Santa Von Clausewitz
Carl Von Clausewitz is often quoted as saying, "War is
the continuation of politics by other means". I am not so
nearly frequently quoted as saying, "The war on Christmas
is the continuation of political correctness by a bunch
of meanies". Of course, I probably haven't been cited
much for that since I just came up with it. Perhaps it
will take off and help me procure a spot in Bartlett's.
That will have to wait as I focus on the very real
attacks on Christmas and Santa. I offer the following
stories pulled from recent events. I call them, 'The four
reindeer of the apocalypse':
- "Your Santa so fat..." That he has to lose weight. At
least if he wants to keep his job in Great Britain.
Fearing that an overweight icon could serve as a poor
role model for kids, a shopping center in
Greenhithe, Kent has set up Santa boot camp to whip
the corpulent Claus into a lean mean gift giving
machine. They're worried that idolizing a portly man
with presents will encourage kids to become fat
themselves. They had no concern however that the
children would don red clothing, grow beards and hang
out with dwarves. I'm surprised that they didn't toss
in reduced carbon emissions since a thin Santa would
need fewer reindeer to pull his sleigh, thereby staving
off global warming. If the North Pole melts, Santa is
homeless. The kids win, Santa wins, we all win.
- "Who you calling a ho?" Apparently, all women within
earshot of Kris Kringle's trademark laugh. Santa's in
Sydney, Australia have been told to replace the ho,
ho, ho with ha, ha, ha because the former could
frighten children and be construed as a derogatory term
meaning prostitute. Why ha, ha, ha is less scary is
never explained, nor the fact that 'ho' is not even a
slang term in Australia. There's nothing worse than not
knowing you've been offended. I suppose while we're at
it we may as well ban the seven dwarves from singing,
"Heigh Ho" (Two dwarf references in one post. No small
feat). Also, Cab Calloway's "Hi-De-Ho", Don Ho, Tally
Ho, Ho-Hum, Land Ho, Westward Ho, Gung Ho and the play
Okla-ho-ma. Ho my goodness.
- "Why don't you just tell me what you want from a safe
distance?" Our travels take us to Switzerland where
Santa's are
banned from having kids sit on their lap for fear
that the one with the beard is one that is weird. As in
a pedophile. Evidently, Santa may be a sick freak that
uses his position of power to convince good boys and
girls to be bad. Do they really believe that a
pedophile would seek out a job as Santa and then abuse
children in front of hundreds of people while the
child's parents take photos for posterity? It is
bothersome that a man seeking to bring joy to kids is
presumed guilty of lying in wait to molest. But this is
nothing new.
British Airways won't let anyone under 16 years of
age sit next to an adult male stranger, even if there
is a woman on the other side. The assumption is, all
men are abusers. Following this reasoning, no gay
couples should be allowed to adopt and Big Brothers
needs to be disbanded. And it's best to submit your
Christmas list by email. Just in case.
- "A little change will do you good". As in a change of
clothes. Our trip around the world has brought us to the
Steiner School in Brighton in the UK, where Santa
has been stripped of his traditional red suit in favor
of a more palatable green one. Why you may ask? Because
the red suit just might make the kiddies think of
Coca-Cola which is a symbol of commercialism, and that
is no way to raise little Marxists. The children will
be told a moral tale in lieu of the traditional
Christmas tale lest a non-religious person be offended.
Instead of opening presents, they will crack open fake
rocks that will reveal crystals. Fun stuff. When I was
a kid, you feared getting coal in your stocking. Now
you have to be happy with rocks.
So, Santa is a gluttonous, misogynistic, pedophile who
has sold out to corporate interests. He also must hate
the poor since he brings them fewer gifts, completely
overlooks Jewish children and gives charcoal to the
naughty. But thankfully, the do-gooders in this world
have come to the rescue. When you go to the mall this
year, Santa will be the green suit clad skinny man over
in the corner saying ha, ha, ha. Then again, that could
be the carpet salesman.
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