Sally Field - Actress, Spokeswoman, Idiot

"If mothers ruled the world, there wouldn't be any G*&%#+mned wars in the first place." So says Sally Field. Anyone who believes that has never stood in the women's shoe department during a Macy's sale. Once you've entered that combat zone, your belief in women as the fairer sex will be forever altered. Snagging the last pair of size 2 pumps is a capital offense and many have died defending a woman's right to shoes.

I'm used to Hollywood types spouting nonsense, it's what they do. I'm only bothered when normally intelligent people reiterate those babblings and quote them as truth. Call me closed minded, but I tune out any statement that begins with, "You know what Rosie O'Donnell says?", or, "I saw this movie once…" There are better sources of information than a cinema or Comedy Central. I expect an airhead like Sally field to say stupid things. I get discouraged when she is applauded as if she is an oracle. So let me be clear… Gidget is a mental midget, and her belief that if women ran the world all would be hugs and kisses conveniently overlooks those nasty little things called facts.

Women have run countries in the past, and dang it if every one of them got involved in war. They even started quite a few of them. Indira Ghandi, Golda Meir and Margaret Thatcher fought with the best of the men. And they weren't even in divorce court. Catherine the Great was not great because of her macramé skills, it was her massacre skills that earned her the moniker. Queen Mary was so evil they called her 'Bloody Mary'. She executed people on a whim although rumor has it she ran a cozy Bed and Breakfast and often tossed fresh vegetables on the fire as you were burned at the stake. In her later years she was heard lamenting that someone else came up with the line 'Let them eat cake'.

Egypt crumbled under Cleopatra, and many lives were destroyed, but she did look good in gold. She was so obsessed with her own fading beauty that historians believe she started the very first 'War for Oil of Olay'. I'm certain she meant well. And that's the gist of what I'm getting at. Just because someone means well, it doesn't mean they will do well. Hitler meant well. Stalin meant well. Imelda Marcos spent well.

If it's true that the world is better when women are in charge, then why do the majority of violent men come from single mother households? The vast bulk of men in prison had no fathers around. The women were in charge and raised losers. All that love and nothing to show for it. Sally Field and her ilk would have you believe that women are genetically programmed after giving birth to protect all living things. That must be why so many women opt to abort their babies before that switch gets flipped for fear that they may turn into caring individuals.

I've seen what overprotection can do to society. No more playgrounds lest a child get hurt, no more playing tag lest a child feels left out by being 'it', and no more keeping score in sports lest a child feel the pain of losing. I'm sure they've done a study showing that most murderers were almost always a 'goose' and not one of the 'ducks'. Men may be over-competitive, but putting kids in a bubble and extending childhood to the age of thirty is a disaster for society. And that is what too much mothering will do.

Here are some of the changes we can look forward to if we put women in charge of everything:

• The Pledge of Allegiance will be changed to the Lemon Pledge of Allegiance. Cleanliness and hygiene will be top priorities in the new world, and we must protect the children from all bad things. Since the daily forgiveness hour will eliminate all ill feelings between humans, germs will be the only enemy.
• Every Wednesday is gossip day. Cell phone companies will have to give unlimited free talk time for every citizen to complain about everyone and everything. The daily forgiveness hour will make all the bad feelings go away later.
• Parallel parking will be outlawed. Parking spots will be redesigned so that you can pull straight in, through and out. No more pesky backing up. Reverse gear will be removed from all vehicles. In order to curtail road rage, only two cars will be allowed on a freeway at any given time. Fake daisy air fresheners will be mandatory in every car, which will be a Prius.
• Any crime committed under the influence of PMS will be pardoned. All female juries will see to that. If science advances enough so that men can experience PMS, they will be forced to have it thirty days a month, but their crimes will still be punished, because they don't know what it's REALLY like to be female.
• Clothing manufacturers will only be able to make one outfit from any pattern in order to eliminate the embarrassment of showing up in public wearing the same dress. Pants that make you look fat will be a thing of the past. Height and weight charts will be abolished and bikinis burned.
• Women who work out will be locked up and fed fatty foods till they gain weight. Since the thin, hot chicks make the others feel bad, it will be easier to plump them up than to get fatty on a treadmill. This way, all women will be equal. Which is the nice thing to do.

My list is by no means complete, but I think you get the idea. Women will do no better at running things than men and in some areas, they will do worse. Ask any woman who her most difficult boss was. Chances are good it was another woman. Do we really want a world war to break out because one leader would not attend the wedding of the other? Yet I've seen women in real life not speak to each other for years over this very issue. At least men fight over important stuff. Like sports.

There is no perfect fix for the worlds problems. The sooner we acknowledge that, the better the world will be. It would also be better if Sally Field stuck to acting. Or retired. Or… just shut up.

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